Chapter Four: Complete Surrender
“Where are you going?” Laci asked as I began running after Kristen. I just acted as if I didn’t hear her at all. Kristen didn’t pay attention to me as I caught up to her. I stared at her some more, walking beside her. Laci just stood in place shaking her head and waiting for me to come back. I wasn’t coming back. “Kristen, please talk to me.” I said over and over again. It’s almost as if I was completely invisible to her. I began to feel frustrated and stopped Kristen by walking in front of her and holding her in place. “Screw off!” She shouted at me. Ah, there’s the Kristen I know and love. “Kristen, look at me.” She didn’t of course. “LOOK AT ME.” I demanded even louder. She was trying to get away from me, I wouldn’t let her. “Kristen please look at me.” I said desperately. There was about a five second period of silence of me just staring at Kristen before her head turned up and I saw her eyes. The usual blue of her eyes was darkened and they were dry and puffy. “Get away please.” She said immediately after looking at me. “I don’t deserve anything.” She added before running away, her shoes squeaking against the floor. Don’t deserve what? Ugh. This world is so confusing. Every single time someone says something it’s another puzzle to solve. Before I could continue chasing after her, Laci grabbed me and pulled me away. She dragged me over to a corner and like an upset parent, gave me a talk. “What were you thinking?!” She shouted at me. I didn’t really feel like explaining. “School’s over today, Anna.” “Go home and think.” Laci said. And before I could come up with some sort of response, she walked away. Disappearing out of my sight. Thank goodness that the hoard of teenagers were so on-top of their schedule so that I didn’t miss the bus at all, since they all immediately ran towards the boarding area immediately after Laci stopped talking to me. So nice of them. I sat in the back as I did last time, and waited for the depressing 17 minute drive home. Yes. I counted the minutes. What else was I supposed to do? Think? That’s what Laci wanted, and I’m a rebel who would rather not get lost in her extremely saddening thoughts about life. Screw that.
The next day was the same. The only difference was that I didn’t wake up in the shower, thank goodness. Even though this is going to be just my second day, I’ve already come to be familiar with some of the different groups of people in this school, cliques or whatever. It’s mostly the extremely stereotypical ones like jocks and nerds and what not. Then there are the extremely offensive ones that I’m fairly afraid to even mention. But there are the sort of normal ones, you know, the hipsters, The G&E’s (Goths and Emo’s as well as scenes, sadly they aren’t included in the acronym) the overly popular people, sporty people, all that stuff. But for one more time in my life, I wasn’t part of any of these groups. Just a little weirdo that fakes where she ‘belongs.’ I decided to try and blend in with Laci by dressing as a scene kid. I looked in our garage and there was conveniently some really…really old hair chalks there. I straightened my hair, and then slowly tried to apply the crumbling hair chalk, most likely bought some time in the 90’s. After I had a few strands of pink hair, I stole a gel eyeliner from my mom’s make up bag and tried my best to make an overly applied cat eye. “Dear God.” I muttered to myself as I looked at the atrocity that was my face with amateur applied eyeliner. There was no time to wash it off and do it again, so I just had to deal with it. Maybe Laci will have some sort of fix. I looked in my closet for some black clothes to mix with overly bright colors. I had a black tank top, and some old galaxy leggings with holes in them that I probably stole from my sister. There was also, somehow through the mostly Kristin-approved clothing, a poofy blue skirt I think I wore at a dance party when I was 13 or something. Ugh. As I struggled to pull the tiny skirt over my now larger nearly adult booty, I kept thinking in my head, “Why. Why, why? Just why.” Like, why was I doing this, why do I even bother going to this stupid school? Oh right, I’m in an alternate universe that I’m going to save with my amazing powers. I run as fast as I can out of the house as to not catch the eye of my mother or sister, and hop onto the bus that now just nicely parks outside the house for me. Laci isn’t there, so like yesterday I sit in the back and sort of fall asleep for the what, 17 minute something drive to school? I don’t really care to count today. As the bus came to a stop and the exhaust screeched, the zombie teenagers slowly hopped out and all organized into their groups. I was sort of stuck between this hipster dude and really short Goth girl. It was kind of awkward since my height compared to the Goth girl was perfect for elbowing her boobs. Eventually though I was able to escape the two of them and stride out to the lovely Tribuo academy all of my own. By myself. Without Laci. Crap. I couldn’t see her anywhere. I uncomfortably entered the front doors of school and tried to find my way to my locker. As I’m trying to remember my password, frantically twisting the dial, I feel a hot breath down my neck. “Hello Anna.” I struggle to turn around as I am simultaneously jumping out of my skin whilst trying to do so. As I completed my 360 degree turn, I saw the wide-eyed Laci Peterson staring down at me. “…Hi…” I said trying to escape the trapped feeling of being pinned by sassy scene kid Laci to a locker. “I understand why you might’ve approached Kristen yesterday, but I do not appreciate it, Anna.” Laci spoke to me like an angry but professional teacher giving me a lecture about a crappy paper. Before I can utter any kind of reply, Laci keeps talking, determined to keep me pinned to the lockers behind me. “You can’t help everyone in this world, some people just don’t deserve the things that others do, Anna, you need to remember that.” “Laci…What are you-.” Why am I even trying to contribute to my own lecture? “Some just don’t learn immediately, you shouldn’t help them.” Laci looks up and down finally releasing me from the lockers. I slowly walk over to the other side of the wall, trying to think of a response. Some people just don’t deserve things? I hate this place. I’m not a smart person, I’m a sexually ambiguous Olympic sleeper that has an IQ of -40. I don’t understand this deep meaningful BS that Laci spews at me every ten seconds. Seriously. I just sort of stand there for a few more seconds before finally coming up with something to say. Or to ask really. I pause for a few more moments before I look dead straight into Laci’s eyes and asked, “Laci how do I get out of here?” My voice was plain, but desperate. I don’t like it here. Actually, I hate it here. It’s my 2nd day and I already want to drop out. Laci looks at me and shakes her head. “Anna, you have to graduate obviously.” “You have to learn, become you, find yourself, find what you want to be and become that, have fun and live your short youth to the fullest.” Laci stares back at me as I grit my teeth and mutter, “That is tremendously stupid.” “Hm. Seems like something a teenager would say.” Laci laughed a bit, and I just smiled in a passive-aggressive manner. “I know Anna, you don’t want to be a teenager, you don’t want your emotional problems blamed on the ravaging hormones inside of you, but I’m just like you, another teenager that can’t do anything about anything so I might as well just agree to say that you’re just another teenager Anna. Just another person with another problem that you can’t solve.” “I know what you want Anna.” “You want to be skinnier, taller, stronger, smarter, and
mainly, not to be viewed in society’s eyes as just another teenager.” “You must be so excited for that, huh?” Laci just stands there, after her little rant about how she obviously knows everything about me and all my wants and desires and after knowing me for a day and a half she knows all. Though she is kind of right. I hate being my age because of others that are my age. I’m not calling myself above everyone else, cause I’m not. I’m pretty lame actually. But I just don’t enjoy being associated with the normal teenager and the expectations that come with that and the degrading of my feelings to ‘just being hormonal’ and sometimes I just want to hide everything from everyone because I hate just being called another teenager, another person with a problem that can’t be fixed. Even though that’s exactly what I am. I can’t fix my problem because my problem is my family. My ‘friends’ my school my country my everything, everything is my problem that I can’t fix because I’m just another teenager. I don’t want to say anything to Laci anymore. I don’t want to even run away to a class. Who cares about those so called ‘classes’ anyway? They’re not actually real. I’m just in this weird universe and soon enough I can go back. Soon. I start running away from Laci, and she doesn’t move an inch. She just watches me as I run, completely plain faced and emotionless. As I run the hallways don’t seem to end. I keep going further and further but the halls just get longer and longer. My vision’s blurred and I can feel myself on the verge of tears. God I’m so pathetic. Just another person with a problem that can’t be fixed. I slow down a bit as I see a blur of dark blonde hair flush past me. It’s Kristen. She’s also crying. Bundled up in her baggy sweater, running away just like me. Running away from everything. From our problems that we can’t fix. My heart hammers in my chest as I grab Kristen’s hand and we’re both running together. We suddenly take a sharp left turn into another endless hallway and I see other people with problems they can’t fix. Noelle, Trinity, and…Sasha? What is Sasha doing here? Sasha doesn’t say anything, well frankly none of us are saying anything, just running, and looking at one another in determination. “Run, keep going, wherever it is, just keep running.” My conscious says to me, and I of course listen. “I DON’T DESERVE ANYTHING!” Kristen screams so loudly I attempt to cover my ears but can’t loosen my grip on her hand. “We don’t deserve anything Anna, let’s go, we need to go.” Kristen pleads as we slow down, which allows us to be left behind by Sasha, Noelle, and Trinity. I can’t feel anything anymore. The world is going blank. My heart is beating so fast and I find it difficult to catch my breath. I fall onto my knees, Kristen does as well. I look up to the ceiling and stare as my pulse tries to burst out of me. I take a deep breath in, and tighten my grip on Kristen’s hand. Maybe I can leave like this. Maybe they will let me go.
I surrender. I’m done. I don’t like this anymore. I completely surrender.
There you go problems I can’t fix and Laci and everything else.
Here is my complete surrender from me to you. I’m done.
(c)2015 Theworldofmywriting. Please do not under any circumstance steal this work or claim it as your own.